A note to any family, friends or coworkers who may be reading this: This post did not stem from any one particular conversation. I’m not talking about you.
If you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, a bit of my frugal, goal setting, side hustling, early rising ways may have rubbed off on you. Maybe you’re finally getting your money under control, or you’ve started getting up at 6:00am to work on that side project you’ve thought about for years. Maybe you’re making extra money walking dogs or babysitting, and you’re using that cash to save for a trip, your retirement, or an emergency fund.
You’ve probably got some momentum going, and maybe for the first time in a long time, you feel inspired.
I’ve been there. It’s such an amazing feeling. I feel like I can do anything, I want to read all of the articles on goal setting or frugal living, and most of all, I want to tell my friends about it.
So naturally, I call, text or tell my friends, family – basically anyone who will listen – about my newfound lease on life. I’m so pumped up that I expect them to applaud me, to cheer me on, or offer words of encouragement.
If you’ve been down this road, you probably know what comes next.
Usually, the response is positive and supportive, but not always.
Sometimes, friends, family, and coworkers don’t react the way you’d expect.
They don’t give me a hug and congratulate me, or make me feel like I made the right decision to get my act together.
Sometimes they go negative, they point out all of the downsides to my new habits and goals. Or worse, they talk about how they couldn’t do what I’m doing.
I hear it all. the. time.
“I could never live in a tiny little cottage like that”
“I can’t imagine living without two cars! Don’t you feel stranded?”
“I wish I could pay off that much debt, I’ve still got my student loans from ten years ago!”
“You’re so lucky you can get up at 6:00am, I’m SO not a morning person.”
If this sounds familiar, welcome to living outside the norm.
You’re not normal anymore. You’re driven, you’ve got a plan, you’ve decided you don’t want to live with your debt, or your current job, or the way you look, anymore, and you want things to change. This makes people uncomfortable, they can’t deal with it, they can’t deal with you.
This has happened to me more times than I can count. It started from the very first serious news story that ever ran about my debt repayment (check out those comments!) and has continued in one form or another.
The most recent example of this has been my decision to live with only one car in a two person household. There has been a new round of criticism on this topic now that I’ve moved to the city. My husband and I have more divergent social lives in the city, so I more frequently make use of public transit and riding my bicycle to get around while he uses the car. We get along just fine, and I love how much money we save.
But people have problems with it. Either they explain why they can’t do it:
“I don’t live near public transit” (Erm, that’s a choice, and neither did I until six months ago and I only lived with one car)
“Buses are dirty/scary/I could never take my kids on one” (No, no, and no)
“Riding a bike in the city? That must be so terrifying!” (Actually it’s awesome and makes me tanned and lean. Also, I have severe anxiety around traffic from a car accident four years ago, so if I can ride in traffic, you can.)
Of course, I don’t say these things. Because if there’s anything worse than turning your life around, it’s turning your life around and having a holier-than-thou attitude about it.
So, here is my foolproof guide to handling people who can’t deal with your awesomeness:
See Where They’re Coming From
Generally, people (with the exception of all internet commenters) aren’t malicious. They are just uncomfortable. Your success is reminding them that yes, they really should pay off that ten-year-old student loan. Or that they’ve been gaining a pound or two for the last five years, and your new exercise habit should be their new exercise habit.
So be kind. Be encouraging. Be an open book to any questions they might have.
It’s Not That They Can’t, It’s Just Not a Priority
I could be earning $20,000 a year freelancing. Instead, I’ll probably bill closer to $10,000 this year. The difference? Putting 20 hours per week into (on top of my 42-hour workweek) it isn’t a priority for me. The same goes for most people. Most people could start budgeting, saving, and paying off debt tomorrow, but it’s not a priority. So that is my default response to the excuse-makers now:
“I understand, it’s not a priority for you.”
Offer An Easy Baby Step
I love offering easy, almost no-effort baby steps. For paying off debt, I say, “Just start with an extra $50 per month, that’s one dinner out! You can give up one dinner out a month right?”
Or for the riding a bike, I always offer to accompany the new rider on their first ride, and I always say “Whenever you feel uncomfortable, just ride up on the sidewalk and hop off, easy.” (I still do that)
Or for getting up at 6:00am “Why don’t you try getting up ten minutes early for a week, then 15 minutes early the week after, then 20 minutes early the week after? Before you know it, you’ll be an early riser!”
Whenever you break social norms, you’re going to make people uncomfortable, and even piss a few off. Don’t sweat it, learn to handle it with grace, and you’ll be happier for it.
Tell me about the last time you experienced this in the comments. I want to know!